Expectation

Hearing the Christmas story every year means I always have to battle the danger of familiarity. When things get familiar, we miss important details and we tend to see the same things over and over again. We need fresh eyes. 

This year what has been eye-opening and soul-refreshing is the idea of expectation. Expectations can bring anticipation and anticipation can bring joy. But, expectations can also bring disappointment and sometimes disillusionment. As children eagerly await Christmas morning to see what is inside the presents, they are filled with delight and excitement. This is what the children of Israel must have felt when they were expecting and awaiting the Messiah. 

Since the beginning of time God had orchestrated his rescue mission and starting in Genesis we see the promise of the Serpent Crusher. Every story from the Garden of Eden onward hints at the coming King, who will rescue his people and make them his friends. The Prince who is coming to purchase his bride by dying for her. And in his great love, make her lovely. 

Their expectations for a King, a Messiah, a Prince were all true and biblical. Yet, God was coming the first time as a servant, in the form of a baby, to a virgin woman. Many of them were probably confused, disappointed, and doubtful. 

But Jesus came. He entered the earth. He was acquainted with pains, sorrows, griefs. He was made nothing and took the form of a servant so that we might be made righteous and God's children. He clothed himself with humanity and entered our world to rescue us because we couldn't rescue ourselves. He can sympathize with every human weakness. For those who had the eyes to see it, this was even better than what the children of Israel were expecting. Though many did not see it that way, and instead rejected Jesus as the Messiah. 

Sometimes I think my expectations are too low. I expect certain things to work out or go as planned, and when they don't I'm deeply disappointed and hurt. This is always due to placing expectations on man, or created things rather than the Creator. Christ is the one being in the whole universe who will not disappoint me. I can expect big and great and wonderful things. 

I can expect that my wilderness will be made a garden. 

I can expect that I will be made more into the image of Christ. 

I can expect that the work that God has started in me, he will surely complete. 

I can expect that he will never leave me or forsake me. 

I can expect that the Lord does good to those who wait on him. 

I can expect that the thirsty will be satisfied. 

I can expect that my darkness will be turned to light. 

I can expect that though I sin and make a mess of things, God's not breaking his covenant with me. 

I can expect that my faithfulness is not the standard for God's faithfulness to me. 

I can expect to be embarrassed by God's mercy. 

I can expect that grace will rescue me and transform me. 

I can expect that God will turn my mourning into dancing. 

I can expect that God is near to the brokenhearted. 

I can expect that God will supply every need of mine in Christ Jesus. 

Jesus came once as a suffering servant, but he will come again as a glorious king. And the most wonderful gift is that I have this newfound anticipation for the second coming. I am excited to see righteousness, justice, and peace reign. I long for the day where there will be no more, tears, hurt, disappointment, death and sorrow. Where there is no category for pain. The day when all things will be made new. Creation will be restored, all things will be fully reconciled to God, our bodies redeemed, and our adoption complete. We will see him face to face and will will know joy upon joy, endless joy. Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus! 

"Our soul waits for the Lord; 

he is our help and our shield. 

For our heart is glad in him, 

because we trust in his holy name. 

Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, 

even as we hope in you." 

Psalm 33:20-22

"He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that will deliver us again." 

2 Corinthians 1:10

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God...And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we eagerly wait for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." 

Romans 8:18-19, 23

"He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." ...To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment." 

Revelation 21:3-6

Piper a Hipster?

"Mom was a stunner and dad, well, he looked like Buddy Holly. Which, in retrospect, just made him 43 years ahead of his time in sheer hipsterhood." 

Barnabas Piper on John and Noel Piper 

John Piper = OH, Original Hipster

Two Gifts

“When God planned the great work of saving sinners, he provided two gifts. He gave his Son and he gave his Spirit. In fact each person of the Trinity was involved in the great work of salvation. The love, grace and wisdom of the Father planned it; the love, grace and humility of the Son purchased it; and the love, grace and power of the Holy Spirit enabled sinners to believe and receive it.

The first great truth in this work of salvation is that God sent his Son to take our nature on him and to suffer for us in it. The second great truth is that God gave his Spirit to bring sinners to faith in Christ and so be saved.”

— John Owen

God is Not Done

"Hope believes that God is not done. Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not the feeling we will have. That is, hope is the (up) feeling we have that the (down) feeling we have is not permanent." 

"God was not done when Noah was in the boat, Sarah was barren, Joseph was in prison, Moses was on the run from Pharaoh, the children of Israel were pinned against the Red Sea, the walls of Jericho blocked possession of the promised land, Gideon was hiding from the Midianites, Samson was seduced by a woman and blinded, Ruth was widowed, David was mocked as a boy facing a giant, Job’s children were all killed, government officials persecuted Daniel, Jonah was in the belly of a fish, Paul couldn’t get rid of this thorn, and Jesus was put in the grave. God is not done!

Hope is not undone, because he is not done!"

Sam Crabtree

Rough Waters

"Where the will of God and the will of the flesh are in conflict, there will be rough water, and if the flesh does not yield to the Spirit there must follow the painful breaking up of hopes and expectations, even as the timbers of that ship were broken up by the violence of the waves." 

-Amy Carmichael, A Chance to Die

Looking for that Blessed Hope

“The Lord shall come! The Church in the early ages took up the subject as of profoundest and most pressing interest, ‘looking for that blessed hope.’ It was no minor hope to the primitive saints. It cheered them at parting with their Lord, and it comforted them at parting with one another.

It upheld them in evil days; it nerved them for warfare; it gave them patience under persecution; it animated them in their work; it kept alive their zeal; it enabled them to look calmly round upon an evil world, and to face its mustering storms; it showed them resurrection and glory, fixing their eye upon scenes beyond the deathbed and the tomb; it ever reminded them of the day of meeting, when Jesus will gather all His own together, and those who have slept in Him shall awake to glory, honor, and immortality.”

— Horatius Bonar

The Revelation of Jesus Christ

A Note to the Ladies

"But what is the secret of marriage?...It is the message that what husbands should do for their wives is what Jesus did to bring us into union with himself. And what was that? 


Jesus gave himself up for us. Jesus the Son, though equal with the Father, gave up his glory and took on our human nature (Phil 2:5ff)...He gave up his glory and became a servant. He died to his own interests and looked to our needs and interests instead (Rom 15:1-3). 

The Christian teaching does not offer a choice between fulfillment and sacrifice but rather mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice. Jesus gave himself up; he died to himself to save us and make us his. Now we give ourselves up, we die to ourselves, first when we repent and believe the gospel, and later as we submit to his will day by day. Subordinating ourselves to him, however is radically safe, because he has already shown he was willing to go to hell and back for us." 

-Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage 

Ladies, look for men that reflect Christ before they are married. Men who "give themselves up" for others. Men who serve and look not to their own interests only. Men who show they are willing "to go to hell and back for us." This radical, sacrificial manhood glorifies and honors Christ. 


Obviously, no man is Christ. But there should be patterns and inclination in their hearts to "lay down their lives." 


And while single women do not have the opportunity to submit to their husbands, we can honor God by gladly affirming male leadership. Christ's example of looking to the interests of others instead of only our own is a woman's call too. 


But, keep your eyes open for the ones that are willing "to go to hell and back." Those are the keepers. I'm convinced. 

Risky Prayers

Exactly a year ago I wrote in my journal, "Regardless of how my time goes this week, may my joy be in You alone. May I be a woman who hopes in God, not boys." 


Sometimes we don't really know what we are praying for. We don't realize that God really will answer. He answers in ways we don't expect or even in ways we wouldn't choose for ourselves. 


My initial reaction is to be more careful in what I am praying about. As if the events in my life and how God is working in me are completely dependent on my prayer life. I can't control my pain by praying safe prayers. Jesus is constantly interceding for me, and praying for me in ways that are far more in line with God's will than my prayers will ever be. His prayers will always trump my requests. 


I think I'm just a little sobered. To pray for something good, and holy, and biblical may turn out to be utterly painful, hard, and scarring. 


But, if I am honest, no matter how painful the process is for God to answer our prayers it is good. It's more than good, it's life-giving. It gets us to our Great Good, our Ultimate Good. And if our pains get us closer to Christ, our treasure, then they get rejoiced in. 


Rejoicing today that God has made me a woman who hopes in God, not boys. 

The Jesus Storybook Bible

Some excerpts from The Jesus Storybook Bible. It's hard to read it and have dry eyes! 


"Dear Little Flock, 
          You're all wandering away from me, like sheep in an open field. You have always been running away from me. And now you're lost. You can't find your way back. But I can't stop loving you. I will come to find you. So I am sending you a Shepherd to look after you and love you. To carry you home to me." 


"Everything sad will come untrue. Even death is going to die! And he will wipe away every tear from every eye. Yes, the Rescuer will come. Look for him. Watch for him. Wait for him. He will come! I promise." 


"Did it sound too good to be true? A story that ends happily ever after? Well, it does sound like a fairy tale, doesn't it? And, as anyone will tell you, fairy tales aren't true. Or are they?" 


"And still God's children didn't trust him or do what he said. They thought they could do a better job of looking after themselves and making themselves happy. But God knew there was no such thing as happiness without him."


"God doesn't want us to be happy," they said. It was the same lie that Adam and Eve had heard all those years before. "God has brought us out here to kill us. God doesn't love us!" But they didn't know God very well, did they? 


"But Joseph looked at his brothers and his eyes filled with tears. Even though his brothers had hurt him and hated him and wanted him dead--in spite of everything--he couldn't stop loving them. His heart, which they had broken, filled up with love, and Joseph forgave them." 


"Now when Leah knew that God loved her, in her heart, suddenly it didn't matter anymore whether her husband loved her the best, or if she was the prettiest. Someone had chosen her, someone did love her--with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love."


"This prince would love God's people. They wouldn't need to be beautiful for him to love them. He would love them with all of his heart. And they would be beautiful because he loved them. Like Leah." 


"Sarah didn't believe God could do what he promised. She had forgotten that when God says something, it's as good as done. (Of course, it was as easy for God to give her a baby as it was for him to make all the stars in the sky.)" 

No Scar?

No wound? No scar? 
Yet, as the Master shall the servant be, 
And pierced are the feet that follow Me; 
But thine are whole: can he have followed far
Who has nor wound nor scar? 


-Amy Carmichael 

So That I No Longer Live for Myself

I love my church and I believe God has brought Garden City Church into existence for his glory, for my city, and for people like me. I have found that the very mission of my church, making disciples to impact the city for Jesus, frees me from preoccupation with myself.

My heart is prone to return to its stony, selfish, original state. It quickly turns inward and focuses on me, my life, and what I want. Before I know it, this inward self-focus causes a rapid downhill decay of my once alive, flourishing and joyful heart. I think this “hardening” must be what the writer of Hebrews warns about in Hebrews 3:13: "Exhort one another... so that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."

This must be one of the reasons God has called me to be a part of a new church plant in San Jose: Garden City Church. Every week I am called out of my self absorption and commissioned to labor with others for a much greater purpose than myself. San Jose is a city with a lot of people who don't know Jesus, who don't care about God, and are seeking their joy in things that will never satisfy. It is dark, spiritually dead, and loves sin. But God is in the business of bringing light to a dark world, pouring out love to the lost, and causing the dead to become alive. It's what he does best. It puts his glory on display and it makes him look ridiculously good. My pastor pleads with us to be people like Paul who say, "Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!" I find myself wondering why my heart doesn’t resonate with Paul who, when talking about people that didn’t know God, says, “I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart.”

It’s by coming to church and hearing the gospel that once again my stony heart is broken, and my rebellious heart rejoices in God. My layers of self-absorption are peeled off one by one and I start thinking about others. Names of co-workers, unbelieving family members, hurting people come flooding into my mind. I begin to beg God to make my heart break for them. I ask him to give me a heart that wants others to experience the power of the gospel that changed me.

I am not a natural visionary. In most cases, I tend to be more of a helper. I will help you get done what needs to be done, but don’t ask me what I think my life will look like five years down the road. So, I need visionaries in my life or my view will stay small and weak. My pastor and the leaders in my church are visionaries. They hope for great things. They pray big prayers, and dream big dreams. They expect thousands of conversions and a city forever changed by Jesus.

Being a part of Garden City is teaching me how to live on mission and placing in me a greater passion for God’s glory than I have ever had. And strangely enough, this frees me from my self. My heart that was wrapped up in its own kingdom is freed to partake in a more magnificent and infinitely more glorious Kingdom. God is using Garden City Church to help me be a person who, “no longer lives for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. (2 Cor 5:15).” I consider it my privilege to co-labor and partner with Garden City Church for the gospel. I love my church.

Five Reasons Why I Love My Church

Every week, and sometimes multiple times a week, I find myself saying, "I love my church!" I love that. Here are some reasons why: 


1. What you see is what you get. The people are real, honest, and want to live life with you.  


2. My church is passionate about non-believers AND believers knowing Jesus and understanding the gospel. 


3. My church loves my city. 


4. The mission and vision aren't just sayings on a website, it's the fuel that drives the members. 


5. The leaders are visionaries. They inspire me to dream big dreams and pray big prayers. 

Garden City Church --Making disciples to impact the city for Jesus.

I want to be like a watered garden.

“My most earnest of all pleas to singles is abandonment of the self, surrender to Christ of all unfulfilled longings, an unequivocal willingness to receive whatever God assigns, and a determination to practice the sacrificial principle of Isaiah 58:10-11. Life becomes not only far simpler, but surprisingly joyful and free.”

Elisabeth Elliot

“If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”

Isaiah 58:10-11

No more cacophony, just symphony

"Jesus, I long for the Day when “all things in heaven and on earth” will be brought together in you—that is, “summed up,” integrated, reunited. No more discombobulation, just combobulation. No more chaos, just cosmos. No more cacophony, just symphony. No more frenzied pace, just perfect peace. No more racing about, just resting in you. No more half-conversations, just unbroken communication. No more indecisiveness and second guessing; no more “ifs, ands or buts”; no more fractures or fissures; no more juggling schedules or breaking appointments; no more disappointing anybody, just enjoying everybody. O, that looks, sounds and smells so very good…"


Scotty Smith 

Jesus, Lover of My Soul

"Other refuge have I none, 
I helpless, hang on Thee; 
Leave, oh leave me not alone, 
Support and comfort me. 
All my trust on Thee is stayed, 
All help from Thee I bring; 
Cover my defenseless head
In the shadow of Thy wing." 


-Charles Wesley 

The Hero Without...Not Within

This article by Tullian Tchividjian was freeing. 

When you’re on the brink of despair-looking into the abyss of darkness, experiencing a dark-night of the soul-turning to the internal quality of your faith will bring you no hope, no rescue, no relief. Too often our preaching (and our counseling) is the equivalent of giving a drowning man swimming lessons: “Paddle harder, kick faster.” We assume that people possess the internal power to get things right so we turn them in to themselves. (Interestingly, Martin Luther defined sin as “mankind turned inward.”) But, as too many people already know, every internal answer will collapse underneath you. Turning to the external object of your faith, namely Christ and his finished work on your behalf, is the only place to find peace, re-orientation, and help. The gospel always directs you to something, Someone, outside you instead of to something inside you for the assurance you crave and need in seasons of desperation and doubt. The surety you long for when everything seems to be falling apart won’t come from discovering the dedicated “hero within” but only from the realization that no matter how you feel or what you’re going through, you’ve already been discovered by the “Hero without.”

"Turn my heart from vanity, 
                          from dissatisfactions, 
                          from uncertainties of the present state, 
                          to an eternal interest in Christ." 

"You look at the early church and these people were dying for Christ and yet they were full of joy. They were experiencing the glory of God and the power of God breaking in in their midst. That doesn't happen unless the people of God are on the mission of God. Because the Spirit of God has not been given for our sake. The Spirit of God has been given to glorify God and accomplish his mission. And when we think it's just about us we are going to become narcissistic, self-focused, apathetic, bored, sorry people. That's what happens." 

Jeff Vanderstelt 

Faith

Eyes heavy laden with tears
Heart raging into stormy fits
Thick darkness
Deep valleys

O, you of little faith,
Where is your faith?
It is but a flicker, a small ember.

"Be still."
The words are strong.
My colic soul is quieted.
The calmer of the waves
Speaks to my drowning heart.
His words quiet my fits.
"Know that I am God."

I am not God.
He is God.
Thank God.

What is faith, but the
Pulling off the mask
Of a seemingly cruel God
And exposing the
Hidden smile of God

The One who is
True
Good
Wise
Sovereign
Love

The tiny spark of faith,
Is fanned into flame.
God's words
Trump
Misaligned feelings.

This weak sinner now hopes
That her heart will be filled with
Indestructible joy
In God
Despite circumstances.

Sweet, Sweet Sibbes

I just finished reading The Bruised Reed by Richard Sibbes and it was sweet to my soul. So sweet, that I am reading it again. 

'But for all this, I feel not Christ so to me,' says the smoking flax, 'but rather the clean contrary. He seems to be an enemy to me. I see and feel evidences of his just displeasure.' 

Christ may act the part of the enemy a little while, as Joseph did, but it is to make way for acting his own part of mercy in a more seasonable time. He cannot restrain his bowels of mercy long. He seems to wrestle with us, as with Jacob, but he supplies us with hidden strength to prevail at length. 

Faith pulls off the mask from his face and sees a loving heart under contrary appearances. Fides Christo larvam detrahit (Faith pulls away the mask from Christ). 

Puritan Prayer--Peril

Sovereign Commander of the Universe, 
I am sadly harassed by doubts, fears, unbelief, in a felt spiritual darkness. 
My heart is full of evil surmisings and disquietude, and I cannot act faith at all. 
My heavenly pilot has disappeared, and I have lost my hold on the rock of ages; 
I sink in deep mire beneath storms and waves, in horror and distress unutterable. 


Help me, O Lord, 
To throw myself absolutely and wholly on thee, 
For better, for worse, without comfort, and all but hopeless. 
Give me peace of soul, confidence, enlargement of mind, morning joy that comes after night heaviness; 
Water my soul richly with divine blessings; 
Grant that I may welcome thy humbling in private so that I might enjoy thee in public; 


Give me a mountain top as high as the valley is low. 
Thy grace can melt the worst sinner, and I am as vile as he; 
Yet though has made me a monument of mercy, a trophy of redeeming power; 
In my distress let me not forget this. 


All-wise God, 
Thy never-failing providence orders every event, 
Sweetens ever fear, 
Reveals evil's presence lurking in seeming good, 
Brings real good out of seeming evil, 
Makes unsatisfactory what I set my heart upon, 
To show me what a short-sighted creature I am, 
And to teach me to live by faith upon thy blessed self. 


Out of my sorrow and night 
Give me the name Naphtali--"satisfied with favor"--
Help me to love thee as thy child, 
And to walk worthy of my heavenly pedigree.

No Longer Slaves, But Sons

I often find myself bound by fear. Speaking truth to myself anchors my storm-tossed heart. 

I did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear. 

I have received the spirit of adoption as sons. 

It's interesting to note that the spirit of adoption is contrasted with the spirit of slavery. In both cases you are "sold." In slavery you are sold to be a slave. In adoption you are sold to become part of a family. One is for labor and the other for love. 


For the slave, even though they may have a new owner, their identity remains the same-- "slave". 


For the adopted, their identity changes. They go from "orphan" to "son". They go from having nothing to having everything. 


Fear actually seems illogical. And it is, for a child of God. It gets us to think that God isn't ruling our lives, or he doesn't care for us, or he isn't loving. It causes us to misjudge God's character and his purposes. It binds us and makes us slaves causing us to worry and fret about things we can't control. It makes us turn inward and act like functional atheists. 


No wonder one of the most common phrases throughout scripture is, "Do not fear..." As children of God, we are freed from the slavery of fear. We have received the spirit of adoption. We are no longer slaves, but sons and daughters--heirs of God. 


If God is my Father than I truly do not have to fear. The one who holds the world together with a single word, will hold my minuscule world together as well. The one who rules over all, declares the beginning from the end, who's purposes always come to pass must rule and reign over all the details of my life. If he is wise, perfect, loving, and good, then whom or what shall I fear? 

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!"

 Romans 8:15

An Ever-Present Help

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Ps 46:1

"We want these words to be automatic when trouble comes knocking. What do they mean? That God can be found when we need him. Don't forget that he was found by the Israelites who were not even looking. How much more will he be found by those who call out to him in their desperation. 


"Here is the challenge. When you call out, you might feel like he isn't present or easily found. That is the nature of pain. The worse it is, the more alone you feel. But this is at a time when the words of God most override your feelings. There are times when we listen to our feelings and times when we don't. This is a time when we don't. Instead, whenever there is a clash between our sensory experience and the promises of God, the promises of God win. The one who says, "Verily, verily" can be trusted. Call out and he will be found when you need him." 


Ed Welch, Running Scared

Learning about Love

There is a hymn that starts with this line: "O Love that will not let me go.." I was singing it the other day and had a perspective change. God's love towards his children is relentless, ferocious and irresistible. He will not let me go. In fact, he is willing to pull out everything from us that we think will bring us happiness and joy apart from him. If he is Life, and Joy, and Love, and Goodness than he will not let me be content with second-hand pleasures and false hopes that will only deceive me and crush me. He would be cruel to let me dabble and delight in things that would never give me life, and joy, and love, and goodness. He would be merciless if he never gave me himself. 


He is willing, at any cost to us, to devour both unsafe and seemingly good things in our life in order that we might take refuge in him alone. He is like a hungry and ferocious lion casting away, ripping apart anything and everything so that we might hope in him alone. 


In our pains we tend to only see things through our narrow lens instead of God's wider lens. Our pains remind us of the cross. In fact, we sometimes think of them as our crosses. But if our view is narrow we will find ourselves sitting in despair. There we are at the foot of the cross looking up at Jesus, our example. We see the pain, the blood, the sweat, the anguish. We are enveloped by the suffering and the agony. It's only until we can look at the cross with the wider lens and see that while there is pain and suffering, this was also God's greatest act of love. At the cross he was purchasing redemption for a rebellious people. He was reconciling enemies, granting them forgiveness, and making them his friends. He was redeeming his bride. He was making a new covenant secure. This was an act of immeasurable love. 


If your view in the midst of pain, suffering and trials is narrow and small, you will doubt God's love for you. But if God, by his grace, opens your eyes and gives you a new perspective you can hope that one day you will be able to say, "Though this discipline is painful it is proof that I am God's child and he loves me. He has not left me alone." You will nod your head in agreement with William Cowper: "Behind a frowning providence, he hides a smiling face." And you may even rejoice because your faith is being made genuine (1 Peter 1). 


If you are God's child, one thing is certain: He will not let you go. We can rest in that. 


"O Love, that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee."

Lift Up Thy Bleeding Hand

Lift up Thy bleeding hand, O Lord, 
Unseal that cleansing tide; 
We have no shelter from our sin
But in Thy wounded side.


'Tis Jesus' blood that washes white, 
His hand that brings relief, 
His heart that's touched with all our joys, 
And feels for all our grief.


(Lift Up Thy Bleeding Hand) 

Risk

My pastor just tweeted this: The biggest risk is to never take a risk.


I hate taking risks. I protected myself from hurt and pain and emotions for over two decades. I built walls. I "guarded my heart". I didn't want to let anyone in. It scared me. I wasn't scared to be known, I didn't feel like I had anything to hide. I was scared to let my heart go. My desires, my emotions are strong. So strong that they quickly become inordinate and uncontrollable. I was scared that if I let my heart attach to anyone it wouldn't ever let go.


A risk implies uncertainty in outcome. It could go well, it could go badly. Finding myself on the side where things ended poorly, and I almost wish I never took a risk.


Since I let my heart run amuck I am now having to cut and rip off attachments. The pain is perhaps the most human thing I have ever felt. I sometimes feel like I'm cutting off my own arm, or blocking up my own aorta. I wonder how my heart will beat again. The anguish is almost unbearable. Almost.


Now I risk not risking again. I know that's too costly. It will take supernatural courage and maybe a new heart to do it again. I trust I'll be ready when the time comes...

These Inward Trials

These Inward Trials

I asked the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face. 

I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He’d answer my request,
and by His love’s constraining power
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
the hidden evils of my heart;                                                   

And let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

‘Lord, why is this?’ I trembling cried,
`Wilt thou pursue Thy worm to death?’
`This in this way,’ the Lord replied,
`I answer prayer for grace and faith. 

These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou mayst seek thy all in Me.’

-John Newton

"When blindness and boldness, ignorance and arrogance, weakness and willfulness, meet together in men, it renders them odious to God, burdensome to society, dangerous in their counsels, disturbers of better purposes, intractable and incapable of better direction, miserable in the issue." -Richard Sibbes

The Double Agony

John 18:4--Then Jesus, knowing all that would happen to him, came forward and said to them, "Whom do you seek?"


Jesus knew all that would happen to him, AND still goes forward in accomplishing the mission the Father gave him. There is something remarkable about this "knowing". I look at my own life, and if I would have known all the confusion, heartache, and pain that I would have to go through I don't think I would have continued down certain paths. 


But here Jesus has premonition. He knew about every pain and trouble he would go through and he still went to the cross. It's like a double agony. Going through the pain is an agony in itself, but the anticipation of rejection, pain, and sorrow certainly doubles the pain. 


It reminds me of high school cross country races. The race wasn't too long of a distance so you run hard the entire course. The whole experience is not enjoyable but full of pain and agony. The joy is crossing the finish line and being done. Yet, without a doubt, the worst part was lining up at the starting line. The anticipation of all the pain, the sweat, the muscle spasms was enough to make you want to puke or walk away and not race. 


My Savior was wholly committed to saving me, and went through double agony to secure my redemption. This gives me a double confidence. In one sense, he knows my hurts and sorrows and has endured way deeper pain and agony than I can even imagine. Secondly, it reminds me if he went through all of that to secure my salvation, he will uphold me today and tomorrow and until I see him face to face in glory. 

Lessons in Coaching

From my younger years until now there are countless stories about how coaching has shown me a lot about myself. You could say coaching has been a good schoolmaster for my heart.

I'll share some recent thoughts and lessons I'm learning through my vocation. 

1. The importance of preaching to yourself. 

If I let the gymnasts do their beam routines as I quietly watch, they may or may not fall. But, they will certainly miss some specific movements. They will probably wobble, they won't do their split jump big enough. They certainly won't finish their full turn on highest releve. They'll probably have poor posture on their leap, and they will, without a doubt, forget to point their toes. 

But, a strange thing will happen if they are doing their routine and I am constantly talking to them. If I'm saying helpful cues, I literally see them hear the words, and change what they are doing to apply my instruction. All of a sudden, their wobbles are gone. They have pointed toes. Their leaps are more aggressive. They look confident and competent. 

The only thing that changed was who they were listening to. I try to remind them that the most influential person in their lives is themselves, because they talk the most to themselves. If they can remember what I say, and say it to themselves, then at the competition they will be rock solid competitors. 

Same for my own spiritual life. If I can preach the gospel to myself, my faith wouldn't waver so much and I would be less prone to sin. I must remember that God loves me not because of what I do or don't do, but because of who He is. I must remember that God has set me free in Christ from sin and slavery and I don't have to respond in sin. I must remember that I more sinful than I ever could have imagined, but I'm more loved and welcomed than I could have ever dared hope. 

2. God cares more than I care. 

A typical conversation I have with anyone of my 35 gymnasts that I see on a regular basis is one that goes like this: 

Me: Do you care about your gymnastics? 

Gymnast: Yeah. 

Me: But, I've given you the same correction 10 different ways. I've spotted you on this drill 5 times. I've encouraged you, pushed you, pressured you, and everything is the same. You're not making any corrections. There's not much effort to change what I've asked you to change. It seems to me that you don't value what I'm telling you. I can't care about your gymnastics more than you care about your gymnastics.

Because this sport is so intense for the coach, the gymnast and their family, we are encouraged to make sure the gymnasts care more about their gymnastics than the coach. If it's the other way around, the coach will carry a burden they can't bear and the gymnast will never live up to their expectations. The coach will always be disappointed and the gymnast will always be crushed from never meeting the coach's expectations. 

At church this Sunday, my pastor said the most freeing, burden-lifting statement about the mission to make disciples throughout the whole earth. He said, "God cares more about his mission than you do." Because God has all authority, he will complete his mission--whether or not we do our part. 

It was the opposite of what we tell the kids, and it was so freeing. I was free to go and make disciples because it doesn't depend on me. I'm completely approved by God whether my disciple-making efforts are successful or not. 

Not only does he care about his mission more than I do, he has authority to complete it and he promises to be with me (Matt 28:16-20). So I'm abundantly confident his mission will be accomplished, and in knowing that he cares about it more than me has ironically made me care more about the mission. 

Some videos of our young talent and fun pre-teens. 

Deception: A strange, sad feeling.

Tonight I read old journal entries. I was reminded of what it feels like to be deceived. It is a strange, sad feeling. 


It's like looking into a carnival mirror. You think you see accurately, but reality is much different than what the mirror portrays. 


It makes you feel foolish. 


It proves to you that you hoped in something that wasn't true. It makes you want to never hope again. 


It makes you question why was there never a moment of clarity? Or ask, why was I blinded? 


It makes you feel used and shamed. 


It leaves you with pit of pain right above your stomach and below your neck. I guess that's what they call heartache. 


Yet, it breaks the fallow ground of your heart. I'm reminded I can't live life alone. I need people outside of myself that can help me see things I can't. 


Ultimately, it is a blatant reminder of the gospel. I was dead, I was deceived, I was blind. I loved darkness, I didn't see that I was storing up God's wrath. It wasn't until the God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," took away my blindness. He opened my eyes and my deception was done. Sin was foolish. Idols never fulfill what they promise. He gave me eyes to see the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. He made me love the light, love God, love the gospel. 


Even in the midst of the strange, sad feeling of deception God is gracious to remind me of his freeing, rescuing grace. 

Brother's Wedding

Rejoicing with others who are themselves rejoicing does not come naturally to me. It's actually one of my sinful tendencies that rears its ugly head too frequently in my life. So when I can celebrate, rejoice and find joy in other people's joy it truly is a miracle. The rescuing grace of Christ frees me from my slavery to envy and covetousness and enables me to delight in the God who blesses and gives good gifts to his children.  


My brother got married last weekend and it is an understatement to say it was amazing, beautiful, and God-glorifying. There were tears of happiness from so many. Their vows were theologically rich, their love true, and their delight in God fully displayed. 


There are a ton of things I love about my brother, but I will only mention two. During his time of dating Kellye he developed a very rich and deep understanding of the gospel that came out in his relationship with her. He's probably ruined me forever...now my expectations are too high for any guy I might be interested in. 


1. He's a man that knows how to pursue and desires to lay down his life for another. I've quoted this so many times because it's one of my favorite pieces of advice he gave me: "The man lays down his life for the woman, and the woman responds by giving him her heart. It's not the other way around. You don't give a man your heart and hope he lays down his life for you." 


2. He always saw the way Christ loved the church as a cultivating love. He took something that was unlovely and made it lovely. He saw that it was his role as a biblical man to cultivate Kellye. This included helping her to grow in her gifts and trying to make it easy for her to communicate. Also he saw it his duty to help her see Christ more clearly and to do everything in his power to cause her to flourish.  


All of this to say, God has made my brother an incredible man. It's awesome to meet so many people that tell you that they love your brother, and "there's no better man". 


And by God's grace I was able to rejoice and celebrate and delight in the gifts that God has given my brother and his new wife. 


I am grateful for miracles. 

Bachelorette party with some FUN, and AMAZING girls 

Bachelorette Festivities...celebrating Jordan's hispanic heritage

Marisa, Kellye's younger sister and Maid of Honor

Some of the groomsmen

Me and the beautiful bride

All of us bridesmaids. 

Mr. and Mrs. Jordan Vargas

Right after the ceremony...they're MARRIED!

Our entrance dance 

Jordan and Kellye Vargas

Can't wait to see the photos!

Sparkler send off!!